Androgyny

Recently, I was writing a paper that had a little bit to do with David Bowie.
When I was a kid, I remember worshipping this androgynous person.. or more fittingly Spaceman.
There was some kind of magic in the way he could shift between masculinity and femininity, seamlessly and get the populous on board just by being so damn good. He inspired me to rock some red eyeshadow from Claire's more than a few times.

I also remember worshipping the lead singer of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Karen O. Here was this incredibly female sexy rock star who rocked a little boy's bowl cut. She would howl onstage and scream into the mic while transiting gender and humanity itself. To be more like her, I cut my hair myself in my room one night with some craft scissors, straight brown chunks falling to the floor. I looked in the mirror and was definitely less punk rock and little more Will from Stranger Things.











Probably the least cool rocker I prayed to nightly was the lead singer of Coldplay, Chris Martin. Martin is notoriously a dumb ass, but I was still hell bent on recreating his jacket that he wore for the entirety of the Viva La Vida tour. I remember finding some Goodwill army jacket and poorly sewing strips of fabric from other shirts and whatnot on the sleeves and feeling cool as fuck. I begged my mom to take me to the mall and find a pair of combat boots. This is before combat boots were cool for girls to wear, so the only pair I could find was a European Men's boot that was just way too big for me. I remember my friend at the time begged my to stop wearing them, but I couldn't be stopped.

I will forever be grateful to my parents, who even though it led me to go through some ridicule, let me wear whatever I wanted. 

Essentially, my whole life I've had fairly short hair. Something about it makes me feel tough, stronger. Like Samson, but the opposite, I guess. From the 7th grade, after that fateful haircut onward, I had basically a bowl/pixie cut. I pretty consistently got made fun of for looking like a boy. So, upon entering high school and attaching myself to a garbage boyfriend, I grew my hair out. Why get ridiculed for something you can control? Why ask to be bullied when you can just fit in?

I lived a couple years looking sort of New Girl-esque, bangs, A-line dresses and all. I was a cute girl and I was fine with that. But, having long hair looked and felt so wrong on me. I have never been attached to my hair (emotionally that is). If I were on Next Top Model I would not cry if they gave me super short hair during the makeover episode. When I have long hair it sort of feels like these strange gobs just attached to my scalp and it annoys me so much. 

In my sophomore year of high school I went to the hair salon, prepared for a touch up on my blunt bangs, when I chopped it all off to get a pixie cut. I felt amazing, but also so self-conscious. That's when I started wearing the makeup I do now. The more makeup I wore, the less ridiculed for looking like a boy I figured I would get. But, it still happened. One of my worst and funniest memories from high school is when a teacher made fun of me in front of the entire class about looking like a  boy in a dress, aka my worst insecurity. So I grew it out again. Zooey Deschanel returned.

But, I should've taken a cue from my mom the entire time. My mom has had short hair as long as I can remember. Just like me, growing up she always wanted to rock a bit of a pixie cut. For her, there's no question that looking like and Ellen Degeneres, Meg Ryan mash-up is the goal. And she looks beautiful with it. She's never used makeup as compensation, but rather just owned how she looks.

So, I'm back having short hair. Finally. Will the cycle of insecurity about my androgyny continue? Probably. Will I continue to feel self conscious about what people perceive me as? Definitely. But, now I'm taking heed from my heroes, David Bowie, Karen O, Chris Martin and especially Kelly Phanekham.

Thanks mom.